AUTHOR: Sue_TheCat
E-MAIL: joyce19@libero.it
SUMMARY: Buffy pays a visit to
Giles. (ok, it sucks as a summary, just bear with me and read the story,
please!)
RATING: Hm…PG13? I have no idea,
Angst
SETTING: Second Season just after
Phases, before BB&B
DISCLAIMER: It all belongs to Joss
Whedon, WB, ME and Fox. no copyright infringement is intended.
DISTRIBUTION: Go ahead….
SPOILERS: First two season, after
Phases…..but before Passion.
FEEDBACK: Please…please, please…but no flames…they’re
not healthy.;-)
NOTE: From Gabi’s Challenge:
~ A good cry (Phases) ~
Giles: Buffy, I'm so sorry.
Buffy: (holds up her hand) Not now, Giles. We can all have
ourselves a
good cry after we bag us a werewolf.
(Angelus has killed Theresa as a little gift for Buffy.) So
how did the
crying go?
That’s my attempt at it.
~*~*~
-1-
The hallway seemed endless. A
cold, artificial, white light bathed it. Buffy could hear the click of her
heels on the pavement, her breath...ragged.
She was trying to hold back sobs,
it was surprisingly easy...the lump in her throat blocked them, choked them.
She could taste tears in her mouth, yet her eyes were burning with unshed
tears.
The door was near.
She shivered, cold was seeping
through her body. She felt like she was never going to be warm again.
She stopped in front of the door.
Buffy swallowed, not even noticing how dry her throat was, how fast her heart
was beating, pounding against her chest.
She swallowed again, and closed
her eyes for a second, steeling herself for what she was about to see.
"You can do that" she
said in a low voice. "You owe him this... "
She grabbed the doorknob,
surprised at how it didn't break under her grip and opened the door.
The morgue was lit by white neons,
it was cold. She could smell formaldehyde in the air.
A young white coated man
approached her asking, "Are you ready?"
Buffy opened her mouth to speak,
but she closed it. She closed her eyes, and took a deep breath. She wasn't
ready...she was far from ready...but she had to do that.
She opened her eyes and nodded at
the man. They got close to the body storage. The man opened one of the drawers,
apparently oblivious of her sharp intake of breath.
The body was under a white sheet.
She hugged her arms and nodded at the man who slowly lowered the sheet to uncover the body's face.
Her eyes filled with tears. She
stretched a hand to graze his hair. There weren't bruises on his face. His
handsome face
"Oh, Giles..." she
whispered. She leaned down, toward him to place a kiss on his forehead, only
then did she see them, the fangs' marks on his neck.
"Oh, no..." she said
shaking her head, "Oh, God no...please no..."
She turned toward the man but he
was nowhere to be seen. She closed her eyes when she heard the low growl coming
from the body on the stretcher.
Giles, or rather the demon that
now inhabitated Giles’ body opened his eyes. Buffy watched him slowly morphing
in his game face. He smiled at her, showing his fangs and said, “Angel sends
his love, Buffy…”
She took a step back, feeling her
legs as heavy as leaden, Giles’ slowly got up from his stretcher, he took some
steps saying, “He says he will come to you…and he won’t be alone…”
Buffy shook her head quickly
reaching the stake she hid under her
shirt. Giles stopped and looked at her morphing back in his human face, he
smiled at her, and Buffy almost let the stake drop.
His smile…that hadn’t changed yet.
It was still gentle, and for an instant she wanted to pretend he was still
alive, his harsh words, however broke the illusion, “Are you going to fight, bitch? Or are you just going to cry?”
He smiled again, getting closer to her and said, “It looks like
it’s the only thing you’ve been able to do lately, crying…”
He punched her in the face. Buffy
felt blood in her mouth, she shook her head trying to get rid of the dizziness
and panic which were stopping her from moving.
< He can’t be dead…he
can’t…>
“Oh, yes…” Giles softly said, as
if reading her mind, “I am…and I am so disappointed in you… ”
“Shut up…” she whispered.
Giles laughed then asked, “Why?
Truth hurts, Buffy…doesn’t it?”
He punched her again, but she
blocked it, she had his hand in hers for a second and it was so cold. She
couldn’t believe, didn’t want to believe he was dead. She couldn’t believe
Angelus had killed him.
“What did I teach you, Buffy? Have
you ever paid attention to my words?” he punched her again and said, “I guess
not…now, why this doesn’t surprise me?”
“You’re not him…he is dead, now
fight and stop talking” she hissed, her voice as cold as ice.
“As you wish…but you are
wrong…*you* killed me”
That was the last thing he said,
before she staked him. She watched as the body of her watcher, quickly turned
into dust.
Her knees gave out and she knelt
on the floor. Her eyes burned with unshed tears. She lowered her head, while
Giles’ words kept echoing in her mind
~ Angel sends his love, Buffy…~
She closed her eyes, trying to
shake away those words. She opened her
mouth to sob, to cry for what had just happened, but she was only able to take
convulsed gulps of air. The lump in her
throat was making hard for her to breath.
~ He says he will come to you…and
he won’t be alone…~
She bent on the floor hugging her
arms, shaken by silent sobs, yet her eyes were still dry, her mouth wasn’t
uttering a sound. The pain, white, dazzling, was too much to bear.
~ As you wish…but you are
wrong…*you* killed me ~
A moan, low from her throat, escaped from her lips, followed by another and then another. She
covered her mouth with both her hands, while
she slowly curled up in fetal position, shaken by sobs.
“No…” she whispered, then louder,
“NO!”
<Giles…oh…god…IkilledGilesohGodIKILLEDHIM
>
-2-
Buffy opened her eyes and abruptly
sat on the bed, wiping away sweat from her forehead . She still felt
breathless, she tilted her head back, taking a deep breath…she felt like her
lungs were on fire…she briefly wondered whether she had been holding her breath
while dreaming.
She let out a tremulous sigh and
turned glancing at the alarm clock. It was still night, but she knew she wasn’t
going to get any more sleep for that night.
She knew in her heart that her
nightmare hadn’t been prophetic…but that knowledge didn’t help to placate the
trembling of her hands…and the bitter taste of fear and adrenaline she still
could taste in her mouth. The fear…the grief…were still flowing in her blood,
beating strongly with her heart..
It had all begun when Angel
< not Angel…Angel is dead…it
was Angelus >
had killed Theresa. He had sired
her, just to send her a message. That had happened a week before…she hadn’t had
time to stop and absorbing that news. There was so much to do…and it was
becoming hard just to step out of the bed each morning…and functioning…let
alone grieving for what was going on.
She left her bed and went to the
window. The sky was clouded, she hugged her arms and rested her forehead
against the window, needing its coolness against her burning forehead.
The images of her nightmare kept
filling her mind.
~ but if it’s guilt you’re looking
for, Buffy…I’m not your man. All you will get for me is my support…and my
respect ~
She inhaled sharply thinking about
that night…and the words Giles had said to her. Both of them had been terribly hurt
that day. They had been hurt and betrayed by their loved ones, yet although
clearly pained by the truth about Ms. Calendar’s real identity he had been
there for her, offering her support and respect.
He had instinctively known what
she had needed most. She had needed him to keep respecting her…even after she’d
screwed things up. She had needed to know he was still there for her.
Buffy hadn’t stopped thinking
about how hurt Giles had been by the truth about Ms. Calendar’s real identity.
She hadn’t thought about it at
all…that was the truth. She shook her head, trying so hard to shake away the
fear and the heartache that nightmare had given her….but to no avail. Images of
her watcher and friend kept coming up in her mind’s eyes…images from both her nightmare
and their life together.
What had hurt more about the
nightmare was the truth in his words…and the gnawing emptiness she had felt at
the thought he was dead.
~ *you* killed me ~
She ran a shaky hand through her
hair. She realized she had to see him…not to make sure he was all right…because
she felt he was safe…she could always feel it. She needed to see him, even if
for a little while…
She needed Giles…and hoped he
needed her as well.
-3-
She couldn’t let herself knocking
at his door. She just couldn’t. It was ironic, she had left her house to come seeing Giles, but now that
she was outside his apartment, she just couldn’t work out the courage to knock
at the door. What was with her anyway?
She felt like crying…she felt like
shouting her lungs out…she felt so cold. She tightened her coat around her, and
took a steady breath, looking around.
It was all so quiet…nothing seemed
out of the ordinary, yet it was like she was seeing everything for the first
time. She had never realized how intense colors could be, even at night…she had
never realized how the silence and the quiet of the night could be deafening.
For the umpteenth time she raised
her hand to knock at his door, but she let it fall. She shook her head and
hissed through clenched teeth, “I’m beyond pathetic now…c’mon knock at that door and get it over with!”
She was about to knock at the door
when she heard something shattering inside Giles’ apartment, there was a short
silence followed by a muffled moan, ignoring the knot which had formed in her
stomach, she knocked at the door. Color drained from her face when no answer
came.
When she knocked again at the
door, she realized her hands were trembling and she had to clear her throat before saying aloud, “Giles? Are you there?”
He didn’t answer her. Buffy took a
deep breath, trying to calm down.
<No reason to panic,, Buffy!
Jumpy much? >
No matter how much she tried to
rationalize her fear, she couldn’t shake it away, she was ready to kick the
door open, when Giles opened the door.
She barely resisted the urge to
pull him in a bear hug when she saw him
< He’s alive! He’s alive…and
you’re a moron! >
“Buffy!” he exclaimed surprised,
distracting her from her thoughts.
“Are you all right?” he
asked, waiting for her to come in. She
nodded at him while she got into the apartment, only then did she notice that
he was holding his right hand against his chest and it looked like it was
bleeding.
“Are you hurt?” she asked in a low
voice.
<Why…aren’t we perceptive
tonight?>
“Uh…ah, yes…I broke a cup while
washing the dishes…and cut myself…”
“You’re bleeding…” she said
gesturing at his hand, blood was staining the cloth he had used to stop the
bleeding and some rivulets were flowing on his wrist.
< Could you be a little more pathetic? Why don’t you
like… let him bleed to death, while you’re at it?>
“Yes...uhm…quite…” he mumbled
looking down at his bandaged hand.
“Why don’t you …” she stopped and
pointed at his hand.
He nodded at her and looked at her
arching his eyebrows before muttering, “Yes…why don’t you make yourself
comfortable while I take care of this cut?”
Buffy nodded and nervously smiled
at him. She waited until he disappeared upstairs before muttering under her
breath, “Stupid, stupid, stupid!”
She sat on the couch, hugging a
pillow. She turned her head, looking at the window. She wondered for a second
where Angelus was…who was he killing right now.
She tilted her head up and closed
her eyes. She was so tired, she didn’t remember when last time she had really
rested had been. She squeezed her eyes shut, wondering what was going to tell
Giles, when he asked her why she was there…because she had no doubts he was
going to ask her.
Giles voice surprised her making
her start when he asked, “Was it bad?”
“What?” she asked opening her
eyes. Giles took some steps and sat next to her on the couch. He had bandaged
his hand in record time. She couldn’t help noticing how tired he looked, she
wondered whether they all had the same look on their faces since Angel’s
turning.
Giles looked at her, raising his
eyebrows, before saying, “The nightmare…was it bad?”
Buffy sighed and said, “Bad? That’s a way to put it…another way is
that it wigged me out to the extreme….” She paused to look at him, then couldn’t
help smiling when she asked, “How did you know?”
“I’m your…” he started.
“Watcher…I know, dumb
question…it’s your job” she finished meekly.
“Friend, I was going to say…” he
said in a low voice.
Buffy blinked at his words, it was
the first time Giles had addressed them as friends. She smiled, while the knot
in her stomach tightened, and felt the
lump in her throat becoming almost painful.
< Gee…why do you have to be
such a basket case? For god’s sake get a grip!>
“Buffy? Are you all right?” he
asked concerned.
She nodded her head, she opened
her mouth, trying to reassure him she was fine, but all she could do was taking
in air. Just like in her nightmare she felt breathless, while a moan struggled to
escape from her mouth. She held it back, for as long as she could, but when she
felt Giles’ hand on her shoulder she couldn’t help letting it go.
“Buffy…please tell me what
happened…what did you dream about?” he asked, brushing hair away from her pale face.
Buffy raised her head and looked
into his eyes. She had never noticed how green they were, and how soulful.
People always said, eyes were the mirror of the soul…if that was true, the only
thing she could see in those beautiful eyes, was the concern and the love for
her.
“Was it Angel?” Giles asked,
neither of them was aware that his hand was still on her shoulder.
She swallowed, debating whether to
tell him about the dream,
< He’s your Watcher…and your
friend…and you gotta trust someone…>
She shook her head, “It was
you…” she eventually managed to say in a low voice.
~*~*~*~*~
Giles arched his eyebrows,
puzzled. He had rarely seen his slayer
so worried. When he had seen her so upset, he had imagined she had dreamed
about Angelus…now she was telling him her nightmare had been about *him* ?
“Do you want to tell me about it?”
he asked. Buffy looked at him, with a look akin of terror in her eyes, but
nodded at him before asking, “Do you still have some soda in your fridge?”
Giles nodded, only then did he
realize his hand was still on her shoulder, he pulled it away but smiled at her
saying, “Perhaps hot cocoa would be better?”
For the first time since she had
entered his apartment, she smiled nodding at him.
When he returned in the living room,
a few minutes later, Buffy wasn’t sitting on the couch, she was nervously
pacing the living room, hugging her arms. Giles settled the tray on the table
and waited for her, she was barely acknowledging his presence, he realized from
the look on her face that she was struggling against her feelings.
Although at times, he had problems
in interpreting her moods, he could always easily read her feelings on her
beautiful face
< Beautiful? Where did this
come from, Rupert?>
He shook his head and cleared his
throat before saying, “Buffy?”
She stopped pacing and looked at
him. Giles’ heart wrenched in his chest, she looked so lost, so tired. She was
going through so much, and she carried all of it by herself…the grief, the sorrow,
the self-guilt…it was too much to bear for such a young woman.
< Who are you kidding? It is
too much to bear for anyone…>
Buffy slowly approached the couch
and sat on it, letting out a silent sigh. She took a cup in her hand and sipped
the hot liquid, she idly played with the handle’s cup before saying without
looking at him, “He had turned you…just like he did with that girl, Theresa,
last week…”
<Oh, Lord…>
He thought, tightening his grip on
the cup he’d just taken from the tray, he shook his head and asked, “What
happened, then?”
Buffy raised her head and snapped,
“What do you think?”
“You staked me, I presume…” he
said in a low voice.
“Yep…right through your heart…”
she said in a shaky voice.
“Buffy…” he started.
“You said…Angelus was going to
come to me…and that he wasn’t going to be alone…” she continued ignoring him,
she took a deep breath before saying, “You said…you were so disappointed in me”
“Buffy it’s just…” he said.
Buffy interrupted him continuing,
“you…you said I’d killed you….”
“Buffy!” he said more firmly.
She looked at him, wide eyed but
didn’t say anything. Giles sighed and said, “It was just a dream…a terrible
dream, but…”
“You don’t understand…” she said shaking
her head, “except for the you being a vampire part…it was all true!”
“What?” he asked, louder than he
had meant.
“C’mon Giles! Look at me…uh? Look
at me and tell me you’re not disappointed in me…look at me and tell me I’m not
responsible for Theresa’s death…and the death of all the people Angelus is
killing and turning since I screwed this up…since I set Angelus free! Tell me it’s not my fault if…”
She couldn’t finish her sentence,
she shrugged and her voice was but a whisper when she said, “It’s my fault,
Giles…”
Giles shook his head at her words,
“It’s not, Buffy...none of us could ever imagine this…”
“This? *This* is me screwing
things up, Giles! *This* is me setting a monster free! *This* is me putting
your lives at risk…” she shouted. She felt her eyes fill with tears, she shook
her head and tried to get up from the couch, but Giles stopped her, grabbing
her wrist.
Buffy stopped and looked at him.
They both knew that he couldn’t really
stop her, not physically. It was the look in his eyes which stopped her.
Her shoulders slumped, she slowly
sat on the couch, while Giles’ hand was still grabbing her wrist, but she made
no effort to break free. Her eyes were
burning with unshed tears, she blinked, wishing the tears would just fall….hoping
the ache in her heart would fade that way.
She couldn’t look at Giles,
although she wanted to. She could feel his eyes on her, the care and the love
for her seemed to fill the distance between them.
“I’m sorry…Buffy, I’m so sorry….”
She jerked her head on a side,
looking at him, “You? You don’t have anything to be sorry about…”
“I couldn’t protect you…I
can’t…not from this…not from the nightmares, and the memories…”
~ You got a lot to learn about
men, kiddo. Although I guess you proved that last night.
What are you saying?
Let’s not make an issue out of it,
okay? In fact, let’s not talk about it
at all. It happened.
I, I don’t understand. Was it
m-me? Was I not good?
You were great. Really. I thought you were a pro. ~
She shivered, while the words Angelus had
told her the day after they had
made love, repeated themselves in her mind, twisting her stomach.
“He could have killed me while I
was sleeping, you know?” she said in a low voice.
“I beg your pardon?” Giles asked.
Buffy looked at him and shrugged,
then said, “After he lost his soul…he could have come back in his apartment…and
killed me while I was sleeping…but that wouldn’t have been funny…it wouldn’t
have been a challenge to him…” she sighed, “instead he chose to break my heart,
he…he”
~
How can you say this to me?
Lighten up. It was a good time. It doesn’t mean like we have to
make a big deal.
It is a big deal! ~
Her lips trembled, while the tears stubbornly refused to slip
on her cheeks, and said, “he took what had happened and shattered it …”
Giles tightened his grip around
Buffy’s wrist, on another person it could have been painful, but she didn’t
seem to mind, she even place a hand on Giles’ and murmured, “Well…I suppose
killing me would have been too easy…he prefers to send me his love, through my
friends…”
Giles didn’t know what to say,
what could he say to a young woman whose heart had been shattered by the person
she loved most in the world? Which words could he use, words which couldn’t possibly
sound hollow in both their ears?
He wished he could erase those
painful memories. Buffy had never told him what had Angelus had told her when
they had met for the first time after he had lost his soul, but he could easily
imagine what the bastard had told her, he could easily imagine how he had
played with her insecurities.
And Buffy blamed herself. She
blamed herself for setting Angel’s demon free. Despite his attempt to reassure her,
on the night of her birthday, she still blamed herself….and worse, she thought
they blamed her, as well.
He couldn’t do anything to erase
the pain provoked by Angelus’ words, but he could try to reassure her, that the
people close to her didn’t blame her, so he put his other hand on Buffy’s and
murmured, “Buffy, please believe me, this isn’t your fault., none of us, blame
you for what happened…. I don’t blame you…I already told you once…you’ll always
have my support and my respect…this won’t ever change”
Buffy’s lips trembled, she shook
her head, the first tears slowly rolled down her cheeks, she shivered, that
didn’t go unnoticed on Giles, who, hesitantly put an arm around her shoulder.
They weren’t used to touching each other, outside their training sessions, yet,
despite the initial awkwardness it all felt natural. She raised her head and
met his eyes.
Giles pulled her tighter to him
while silent tears rolled down her cheeks, she closed her eyes when she felt
Giles’ chin on the top of her head and couldn’t help asking in a nasal voice,
“Can’t you smell it, Giles?”
“W…what?” he softly asked
She sniffed, and nuzzling her face
against the fabric of his shirt she whispered, “Blood, death…I reek of
them…it’s all around me”
Giles sighed, and tightened his
hold on Buffy. She attempted to pull away, but he didn’t let her, he caressed
her hair and whispered, “ Life…it
surrounds you, Buffy…” he softly smiled and closed his eyes before saying, “you
smell like vanilla, and wet earth….you are life, Buffy… ”
He could feel dampness on his
shirt, and Buffy’s warm breath through the fabric of his shirt. He started when
he felt her hand on his face, he opened his eyes and met her hazel eyes, she
was frowning looking at him.
Only then did he realize that his
cheeks were damp too, he had been crying without even realizing it.
“I’m sorry” she whispered pulling
her hand away, she swallowed before adding, “about Miss Calendar, about
everything…”
He shook his head and hushed her,
placing his index finger on her lips. Electricity seemed to flow between them.
they lightly pulled away from each other, scared and puzzled by what was
happening between them, yet neither of them wanted to stop it, not that night.
They looked at each other, locking
eyes, for a little eternity. Time and space around them seemed to froze while
the only sounds in the room were their lightly labored breaths.
Neither of them was sure of whom
they were any more. They weren’t
Watcher and Slayer, or Buffy and Giles.
They were just Elizabeth and
Rupert.
In a moment, the sorrow, the
betrayal of the past weeks seemed to fade.
They both instinctively knew that
what was growing inside them, the need they were feeling for each other went
beyond the boundaries of love or even sex.
Giles stretched a hand to softly
graze her cheeks, Buffy tiled her head and closed her eyes leaning in his
touch.
He stroked a thumb on her cheek,
wiping away some tears, wishing he could take away her sorrow with his touch.
He was mesmerized by the look in her eyes, by the softness of her skin. He
almost started when Buffy stretched her hand to caress his hair, she ran a hand
through it making him shiver.
They kept looking at each other,
soft smiles playing on their lips. Giles opened his mouth to speak, a flicking
of doubt crossing his mind, his duty as Watcher kicking in, his love for her…a
love, he was discovering, was stronger than anything, fearing the outcome of
their actions, should have they decided to go on.
Buffy silenced him, though,
covering his mouth with hers.
He wanted to pull away from
her…but at the same time he needed to hold her tight to him. Buffy’s lips were
soft and warm, and her taste…was simply
inebriating. He trailed soft kisses on her lips, gently teasing them with his
but he almost jumped out of his skin when he felt the tip of her tongue
brushing his lips. He parted them open, out of surprise, his heart began to
pound furiously against his chest when their tongues met, teasing each other,
dancing a dance older than time.
He hesitantly stretched a hand to
caress her silky hair. He could feel her fingers tracing random patterns on his
back, and then raising to caress his hair.
He didn’t realize the kiss had
become so intense until she lightly pulled back from him. Her lightly swollen
lips and flushed cheeks sent a jolt of sheer pleasure throughout his body, yet
he asked real concern in his voice, “Buffy, did I do…”
“Oxygen becoming an issue, Giles…”
she interrupted him, smiling, she
placed her hand above his heart and whispered, “It’s beating so fast…”
Giles smiled back at her a sad smile, then placed his hand above hers
and said, “It’s you, Buffy…”
Buffy didn’t know what to say. She
could feel his desire, their desire…the air in the living room was electric.
She still loved Angel…her feelings hadn’t changed, but what was happening with
Giles was too strong to pretend it didn’t exist.
To say it had been a moment of
weakness would have been wrong, it would have been a lie. She had wanted Giles,
she had needed him…and she knew he had
needed her as well.
They needed each other to
stop the pain…they knew they were the
only ones who could do that., yet they pulled away from each other.
“I don’t want to hurt you, Buffy…”
he said. He craved for her, longed for her kisses, for her skin…and although he
could feel she wanted him as well. He felt it would have been a mistake. He
would have hurt her…and he’d rather die than hurting her.
“Neither do I, Giles…” she said in
a nasal voice. she had read the hesitancy in his eyes, the fear to hurt her. As
always he hadn’t even thought about himself. She swallowed and stretching a
hand toward him said in a small voice, “C…can you just hold me? ”
<Love me?>
He nodded at her smiling, and
lightly squeezed her hand in his before
gently pulling her at him, enveloping her in his arms. She rested her
head against his chest with a sigh and
he softly brushed her back with his fingers, inhaling the sweet scent of
her hair.
“Will it ever stop?” she asked in
a low voice after a while, her breath warm against his chest.
Giles sighed, tightening his arms
around Buffy’s body, he had to close his eyes for some seconds, when images of
Jenny’s smile and the look of love in Angel’s eyes while gazing at a sleeping Buffy replayed
themselves in his mind’s eyes, he kissed her hair and said in a low voice, “It
will...eventually…”
Buffy nodded against his chest, he
could feel tears dampening his shirt, he heard her breath softening, “We will make
it…we’ll heal…” she sleepily said
Giles nodded, blinking back tears,
he closed his eyes, her soft breath and smell, slowly lulling him to sleep.
<Together Buffy, we shall face
it, together…>
~*~*~*~*~
He could see them through the
living’s room window. What a lovely picture did they form.
Angelus smiled as the Watcher and
the Slayer slept together on the couch, his arm protectively draped around her
shoulders, her face half buried in his chest, on both their faces soft smiles.
He had spied on them. He had seen
how they had cried into each other’s arms, had smelled their desire, had heard
their words.
He grazed the glass of the window
and whispered, “Enjoy it, lover…because it won’t last long.”
He shook his head and smiled,
slowly slipping into the shadows of that cold night
“ It will never stop…I haven’t
even begun…”
THE END